Sunday, September 16, 2018
8 Years.
8 Years. September 16, 2009 my world fractured and I fractured along with it.
My mother who was one of my best friends died when she was 50 and I was 28. She wasn't supposed to live and neither was I, she had Sheehan's Syndrome or disease either way in 1980 it was kind of a death sentence. As for me I was born with bleeding on the brain and seizures.
We both hit milestones we never were expected to. She managed to live with just taking her meds as she needed. And I ended up never needing a wheelchair or unable to take care of myself. She managed to see 2 of 3 kids graduate high school and the other get a G.E.D. also watched 2 of 3 kids get married and become a grandmother 4 times . 1 of her kids kept getting married out of state and the 1 time he renewed vows to his first wife we wore black to it. Immature I know but we never thought it was a good idea.
Anyway
back to the story.
Me I ended up cracked in a way that broke me. I couldn't speak to anyone and I didn't for about a month . I shut down. I parented the best I could and faked it til I could make it. I didn't make it for long. If I had known what the long term affects would have had on my life I wouldn't have had to run away with the kids to hide from my pain. A month after her passing my husband said he felt we got married too young and he didn't know if he wanted to go on with it. I was still so beyond numb I cried for days and decided to go home to spend time with dad and would bring the kids with me.
I floundered for weeks doing dumb things that I hated myself for and trying to decide if I was in it for the long haul. In the end I told my husband I'd come home if he sought counseling to deal with his issues and I would try to not lose my shit on his family.
So here we are September 16, 2018, 8 years have gone by I still think of mom but I no longer focus on this date every year just when things are rough. This year we spent a week preparing for a hurricane that veered in a different direction during the 2nd week of school. The kids are in middle school now since they were only 4 and 2 when they lost 1 grandma. We lost both hubby's mom and stepdad in 2015. Dad remarried and we all mostly found our peace. This year was also our 17th anniversary. we both refused to give up on each other.
I finally got help for my anxiety and depression for the last 2 years and have been on medication that helps me deal with things that once would have added to my cracks.
Friday, October 12, 2012
12 years..
12 years ago i tried to find the bottom of the bottle. well many bottles. a reckless move i was a miserable 20 yr old with a grudge against the world. the chip on my shoulder started to crack and then i gave up. the moment i walked in the door the drinking began and until i passed out that's all i remember. it was an unconscious thought that had been building for months, i was miserable and hated myself and thought I'd be better off dead than anything. i still think what happened that night could have been stopped either by myself or someone present but then again they weren't my friends and i was going to learn the hard way. i probably would have died if someone hadn't give a shit that night.
Several bottles and passing out in bed the phone call that jolted me came. my mother and the words theres been an accident. the USS Cole. go watch the news.
I nearly lost my best friend while i was too busy trying to lose myself. many frightening hours later we knew he was alive, not ok but alive.
Its been 12 yrs now, the grudge and chip i had on my shoulder went away. i've not had a blackout like that since except for the one the year i got married but i was with family and a very understanding husband that was there for me.
Several bottles and passing out in bed the phone call that jolted me came. my mother and the words theres been an accident. the USS Cole. go watch the news.
I nearly lost my best friend while i was too busy trying to lose myself. many frightening hours later we knew he was alive, not ok but alive.
Its been 12 yrs now, the grudge and chip i had on my shoulder went away. i've not had a blackout like that since except for the one the year i got married but i was with family and a very understanding husband that was there for me.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
The Birth, The Life and The Death of Red. and her eventual return.
Red had a short life, born from anger fueled by hate and brought down by something different. Love.
Once upon a time lived a girl whose name was Red. She was full of somethings- hate, anger, unhappiness and a major grudge against life. Live which had led her down just like love had. Red once knew love, she gave it everything she had only to find the other person hadn't felt the same. So it ended. In the bitterness Red was born from a bottle of Smirnoff Vodka and spite.
She found herself fueled by fire and alcohol. She loved to flirt and dance when she wasn't able to drink. First was the Rebound romance it left her more angry, alone and unhappy. Followed by that was the Blink and more alcohol. Not long after that was the Pool Boy, he was fun but like the rest it only last a night. It added to Red's pain and anger.
By then Red was old enough to know a few things, love was not true, rage and hate were true. She hated herself and everything around her. She just wanted to run away by then. More and more she was disillusioned by love and men in general.
Her heart shattered one night and in an ugly event she had wished she died. Instead she held on for dear life long enough to know it had to change. The anger was getting the best of her. She would do things to not feel anything and avoided love since it had failed her before.
There had been a few moments in her life where she questioned her own intentions and at times others. She met a man once that made her question his intentions more than her own. Then she met the One that broke Red down so far she was no longer.
Red began to change, she no long felt the need to have one night stands or to hide at the bottom of a bottle of vodka. The anger began to subside, the hate began to die.
She kissed the final Mistake goodbye and she began to stand on her own. When the hangover had left her shattered and searching for the piece of the puzzle It found her. While she was planning to find herself a new life elsewhere. Maybe if she had left Red wouldn't have died the way she did. There would be no ceremony, no funeral and no last rites which was okay because she wasn't religious anyway. She simply began to fade away.
Red had met someone that brought her from the haze. He promised her nothing as he was like her love had failed him. He would be the last one to meet Red and the last one to feel her fire. And she would die in his arms.
What he did to Red in one month would be why she died. He showed her love and passion. They began to spend as much time together as they could while she expected him to be like the rest. He showed her he wasn't.
They went from friends to lovers then to in love. This is how Red would die asleep in the arms of her lover, then awaken as someone new. She would go from Red to Me. Red was no longer who i had to be. The months she lived she made many mistakes and sought answers in the arms of one night lovers or in nights of alcoholic hazes only to clear herself enough to work the next day to slip back into it when the workday ended.
She felt the anger towards her first lover since she had given him everything she couldn't take back fade. She didn't mourn the loss of her innocence since she felt she gave it to someone she loved.
Me finding the puzzle piece led to me becoming whole, i got sober and stayed where i was supposed to. The one that promised me nothing gave me everything. One day he gave me a proposal that led to a ring and from there led to the beginning of a life as Us, then came the babies. We became a family, then something was lost.
I fell apart again, devastated Red began to resurface as she was what helped me cope years before with the hurt and betrayal only this time Red did the one thing she never had before. She ran. She took the kids and left to deal with her pain. When she was able to she drank to numb herself, whatever it took to make the hurt go away. In time the hurt would heal but Red became permanent. She's a part of Me her wild side comes out at night or when a song comes on the radio she appears. Red will always love to dance and do things she shouldn't but Me as a whole crazy mess that I am. Red misses going dancing and telling strange men at bars to go to hell just so she can go home and sleep next to the one that loves her.
Once upon a time lived a girl whose name was Red. She was full of somethings- hate, anger, unhappiness and a major grudge against life. Live which had led her down just like love had. Red once knew love, she gave it everything she had only to find the other person hadn't felt the same. So it ended. In the bitterness Red was born from a bottle of Smirnoff Vodka and spite.
She found herself fueled by fire and alcohol. She loved to flirt and dance when she wasn't able to drink. First was the Rebound romance it left her more angry, alone and unhappy. Followed by that was the Blink and more alcohol. Not long after that was the Pool Boy, he was fun but like the rest it only last a night. It added to Red's pain and anger.
By then Red was old enough to know a few things, love was not true, rage and hate were true. She hated herself and everything around her. She just wanted to run away by then. More and more she was disillusioned by love and men in general.
Her heart shattered one night and in an ugly event she had wished she died. Instead she held on for dear life long enough to know it had to change. The anger was getting the best of her. She would do things to not feel anything and avoided love since it had failed her before.
There had been a few moments in her life where she questioned her own intentions and at times others. She met a man once that made her question his intentions more than her own. Then she met the One that broke Red down so far she was no longer.
Red began to change, she no long felt the need to have one night stands or to hide at the bottom of a bottle of vodka. The anger began to subside, the hate began to die.
She kissed the final Mistake goodbye and she began to stand on her own. When the hangover had left her shattered and searching for the piece of the puzzle It found her. While she was planning to find herself a new life elsewhere. Maybe if she had left Red wouldn't have died the way she did. There would be no ceremony, no funeral and no last rites which was okay because she wasn't religious anyway. She simply began to fade away.
Red had met someone that brought her from the haze. He promised her nothing as he was like her love had failed him. He would be the last one to meet Red and the last one to feel her fire. And she would die in his arms.
What he did to Red in one month would be why she died. He showed her love and passion. They began to spend as much time together as they could while she expected him to be like the rest. He showed her he wasn't.
They went from friends to lovers then to in love. This is how Red would die asleep in the arms of her lover, then awaken as someone new. She would go from Red to Me. Red was no longer who i had to be. The months she lived she made many mistakes and sought answers in the arms of one night lovers or in nights of alcoholic hazes only to clear herself enough to work the next day to slip back into it when the workday ended.
She felt the anger towards her first lover since she had given him everything she couldn't take back fade. She didn't mourn the loss of her innocence since she felt she gave it to someone she loved.
Me finding the puzzle piece led to me becoming whole, i got sober and stayed where i was supposed to. The one that promised me nothing gave me everything. One day he gave me a proposal that led to a ring and from there led to the beginning of a life as Us, then came the babies. We became a family, then something was lost.
I fell apart again, devastated Red began to resurface as she was what helped me cope years before with the hurt and betrayal only this time Red did the one thing she never had before. She ran. She took the kids and left to deal with her pain. When she was able to she drank to numb herself, whatever it took to make the hurt go away. In time the hurt would heal but Red became permanent. She's a part of Me her wild side comes out at night or when a song comes on the radio she appears. Red will always love to dance and do things she shouldn't but Me as a whole crazy mess that I am. Red misses going dancing and telling strange men at bars to go to hell just so she can go home and sleep next to the one that loves her.
Monday, September 06, 2010
Happy Anniversary
9 years married as of yesterday, and what did we get for ourselves...hubby had food poisoning and i got a headache. maybe next year we can get the date/hotel room we've been wanting.
i have to start trying to keep myself pulled together Sept 16th will be the first anniversary of mom's passing and i dread it. i shut down after she died and it affected my marriage and life. i'm trying to keep from doing it again but i'm lost without her here. the shit happening in my fathers house wouldnt be happening if she was alive. then again my idiot brother would have never been able to pull the wounded child act. its not going well since me and our other brother have experience living with him too so me and my family have to move out of a place we were wanted the most to keep our sanity
i have to start trying to keep myself pulled together Sept 16th will be the first anniversary of mom's passing and i dread it. i shut down after she died and it affected my marriage and life. i'm trying to keep from doing it again but i'm lost without her here. the shit happening in my fathers house wouldnt be happening if she was alive. then again my idiot brother would have never been able to pull the wounded child act. its not going well since me and our other brother have experience living with him too so me and my family have to move out of a place we were wanted the most to keep our sanity
Thursday, September 02, 2010
Time to revamp
i started this blog years ago so i could talk about my life and kids. well i'm taking a step in another direction. I'm going to rediscover me, my 30th birthday is approaching and i dont know who i am. it's time i found me and brought that person to the surface instead of the unsure being that i am.
i want to be able to wear a pair of heels and a dress and not feel like i'm just playing dress up i want to feel like a grown woman and look the part.
so to take a cue from some inspiring blogs The Bitch is gonna come out!
i want to be able to wear a pair of heels and a dress and not feel like i'm just playing dress up i want to feel like a grown woman and look the part.
so to take a cue from some inspiring blogs The Bitch is gonna come out!
Thursday, January 08, 2009
would things have been different
years ago i was involved in hiding a friend cheating on her husband sometimes i wonder where things would have gone if i had told someone that knew him. i had a chance to tell one of his freinds and i didnt, i was already removed from the situation and group of people involved.
would i have the husband or children i have if i simply told someone on the phone **** cheated i'm sorry but someone needs to tell ****. if i had done that would she have gotten what she deserved.
i ran into them about a year later i was in a better place so i walked by without a word or gesture(it was a thought to flip the bird and call her a slut but she paid the price for cheating it cost her a job(you cant proposition everyone you meet, she even passed her number to other guys i knew now that was funny cause i had a large group of friends then)
here it is 8 yrs later i have a wonderful husband and adorable kids. i dont think i would change it but i wish i had said something all those years ago.
would i have the husband or children i have if i simply told someone on the phone **** cheated i'm sorry but someone needs to tell ****. if i had done that would she have gotten what she deserved.
i ran into them about a year later i was in a better place so i walked by without a word or gesture(it was a thought to flip the bird and call her a slut but she paid the price for cheating it cost her a job(you cant proposition everyone you meet, she even passed her number to other guys i knew now that was funny cause i had a large group of friends then)
here it is 8 yrs later i have a wonderful husband and adorable kids. i dont think i would change it but i wish i had said something all those years ago.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
my sort of political post
my mother called me this morning very happy that in her lifetime she has now seen a black hawaiian president elected. my parents were children/teens when the civil rights happened. mom could tell me what she was doing when president kennedy was assinated as well as his brother and martin luther king jr.
i was a child of the 80s and grew up in the era of Bush Sr. and Clinton now my children who were born in 2005 and 2007 have seen a black president elected into office.
the world has changed people so get your heads out of your asses and see that truly anyone can be what they achieve to be. so now my daughter could one day run for president and my nephew could run as well.
so presidnet bush you can kiss my ass someones gonna fix the mess you made!
i was a child of the 80s and grew up in the era of Bush Sr. and Clinton now my children who were born in 2005 and 2007 have seen a black president elected into office.
the world has changed people so get your heads out of your asses and see that truly anyone can be what they achieve to be. so now my daughter could one day run for president and my nephew could run as well.
so presidnet bush you can kiss my ass someones gonna fix the mess you made!
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