8 Years.

8 Years.  September 16, 2009 my world fractured and I fractured along with it.
 My mother who was one of my best friends died when she was 50 and I was 28. She wasn't supposed to live and neither was I, she had Sheehan's Syndrome or disease either way in 1980 it was kind of a death sentence. As for me I was born with bleeding on the brain and seizures.
We both hit milestones we never were expected to. She managed to live with just taking her meds as she needed. And I ended up never needing a wheelchair or unable to take care of myself. She managed to see 2 of 3 kids graduate high school and the other get a G.E.D. also watched 2 of 3 kids get married and become a grandmother 4 times . 1 of her kids kept getting married out of state and the 1 time he renewed vows to his first wife we wore black to it. Immature I know but we never thought it was a good idea.
Anyway
back to the story.
Me I ended up cracked in a way that broke me. I couldn't speak to anyone and I didn't for about a month . I shut down. I parented the best I could and faked it til I could make it. I didn't make it for long.  If I had known what the long term affects would have had on my life I wouldn't have had to run away with the kids to hide from my pain. A month after her passing my husband said he felt we got married too young and he didn't know if he wanted to go on with it. I was still so beyond numb I cried for days and decided to go home to spend time with dad and would bring the kids with me.
I floundered for weeks doing dumb things that I hated myself for and trying to decide if I was in it for the long haul. In the end I told my husband I'd come home if he sought counseling to deal with his issues and I would try to not lose my shit on his family.

So here we are September 16, 2018, 8 years have gone by I still think of mom but I no longer focus on this date every year just when things are rough. This year we spent a week preparing for a hurricane that veered in a different direction during the 2nd week of school. The kids are in middle school now since they were only 4 and 2 when they lost 1 grandma. We lost both hubby's mom and stepdad in 2015. Dad remarried and we all mostly found our peace. This year was also our 17th anniversary. we both refused to give up on each other.
 I finally got help for my anxiety and depression for the last 2 years and have been on medication that helps me deal with things that once would have added to my cracks.