Friday, March 24, 2006

feeling hurt

i dont think my husband understands things too well, i havent had a break from the baby in weeks and his solution is i go to a friends house, well i dont want to cause i'd be in their way. everyone else is too busy to hang out with this housewife so i'm the last person anyone calls. even my own family doesnt call me.
i'm sitting in my living room with the tv and lights off typing this trying not to cry i'm so upset and hurt. its been a while since i got out of the house to do anything. its been weeks since i saw my folks and my last trip out was blockbuster to end up sitting in the car with my husband cussing over the traffic.
tonight he decided to mock me again after i've asked him not to do that anymore. its hurtful cause its disrespectful. he smacked my leg playing so i kicked him, i hit him in the rib and he smacked me again on the leg, so i went upstairs on my computer. he brings the baby up with him so i go back downstairs to my dark living room cause i'm hurting from this.
he doesnt understand nor listen to my needs or wants....i put my own needs aside for him and the baby. i've been waiting for over a month to get new contacts or to even order them and he seems to forget that its a need as well as new glasses as mine are several years old.
i think he has his wife and our childs mom mixed up forgetting that i'm more than a 24/7 caretaker and i have needs and desires. they dont seem to matter to him. he tells me i'm sexy and i dont believe him for these reasons cause he says it he doesnt show it.
i just need a break a few hours without him and the baby at this rate i dont care if its just for coffee or to spend an hour with my mom i just need away before i get depressed
tonight my word is asshole, opinions are like assholes everybody has one

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

its not even 7am, well when i started this

and for the 3rd time this week i'm up, i usually sleep in with punkin cause its nice that she sleeps til like 9or 10 am. nope not this week i've been awake before my husband or his alarm clock that i would love to take a hammer to if i get up before that damned thing again. tomorrow should be better cause it doesnt have to be turned on i can just stay up til 4am and get up when he comes in at 8. i must be fucking crazy.
its been an eventful month since my last post, my 8 1/2 month old baby is standing alone when she can. where she got this idea that she can be a daredevil is another thing, she's shaken the screws loose in my bed with her little stunts. that and she's obsessed with smacking the wall, we joke she's looking for the wall safe or a hollow sound.
last night hubby and i had an interesting talk about events from 2004, he told me i should have thanked one of his friends for not letting him walk out on me while i was away on a trip. he said he would have gone back to his home state but his friend wouldnt let him go(that and he's military he just cant relocate on a whim) i told him if he had i would have dragged his ass back since 2 weeks after that fight the words i'm pregnant were said.
we also discussed something else, his exgirlfriend wants to meet his daughter i told him i should walk up to her smack her once and shake her hand(smack for being stupid and shake her hand cause her stupidity sent him my way) he also asked if he talks about her too much, he doesnt. exgirlfriends and boyfriends are rarely brought up by us although he has a habit of bringing up my exboyfriend more cause he still hates the guy. i've got a few exboyfriends but this particular one he really hates(yes hate is a strong word but in this situation hate is appropriate)
it seems weird to me still that for one month in 2004 my husband was a real asshole and since then i've gotten him back to normal(well not really normal he's on more medications now but they are for some other things) i still worry about his medications having side effects but the ones he has now bleeding is more of a side effect(he's on one that really thins his blood out and the slightest thing like a nose bleed or a cut could get bad) his drs have an understanding now that if he comes in saying something is causing a problem( as in he's an asshole again) they are to find another medication for him. i refuse to have him go thru that again cause if it does i'm gonna be the one in his drs office telling them to find an alternative. i like one of his drs , she's a nurse that calls to make sure he's had his weekly blood draw to check his levels(i'm not sure what its checking but its been low since he's been on it) and she doesnt call and act formal if i answer the phone, i've had her laughing on the phone and she's glad i like her cause most military drs and nurses dont get that kind of appreciation since its the military they either see a shitload of patients or they see certain ones for just so long.
as for us next year its going to be a different world, he'll be out in march and i'll finally have a husband whose life isnt scheduled around the job. we're talking about trying again that year as well since we arent sure if we'll have the same problems getting pregnant again as we did with sarah. i dont think i could handle trying again for 2 years but dont know how i'd feel if i did conceive quickly that thought scares me at time, i'm considering towards end of this year if i get 6 more months of birth control going off it around the time he gets out of the service cause i'll have been on bc for a year and a half and the drs told us not to get pregnant for 2 years so i could really heal from a csection( i think its more or less becoming a mental healing because i was really freaked out having a csection that i had cried thru it to the point i was having trouble breathing, and when you're numbed from nipples to toes blowing your nose becomes verrrrry difficult. thank you nice man with afrin in your pocket in the delivery room)
well shit i think this got kinda long again.....i got to keep up with this better i just dont seem to have alot of time to or i wait til i have alot to say since this isnt something my usual online friends see
my word of today is in i need to go make some coffee or i'm going back to bed dammit