Monday, August 22, 2005

This time last year

I was going thru infertility hell.....testing and waiting all that fun shit, ok well it wasnt exactly fun. i remember feeling miserable and hating all the stuff my dr wanted to test me for but i still went thru it. I'd had an HSG done, i got put on Clomid in early September of last year, i was to have an IUI done as well and it all got to be too much for me to take. We skipped the IUI and tried to go natural, well it didnt work i still wasnt able to get pregnant.
Fast foward to mid September one more failed cycle and that wasnt even the worst of it. I think i was trapped in hell. I was sure i was losing my mind again. I was starting to shut down back then from the two and a half years of constant stress and failure. Conveiniently i had a wedding to attend so i could get away.
Things were not going as they should have that month, my husband took on a personality change and some massive mood swings. We were barely talking and i dont remember how things started. We'd celebrated our third wedding anniversary in early Sept and things were getting ugly right around my birthday which was the end of the month as well as his birthday too. We were both planning on going to my cousins wedding and all of a sudden we just had to get away from each other. I didnt even see the signs til the morning we departed for our seperate trips, i had almost forgotten his birthday cause i was rushing to get my stuff ready to go. He didnt even kiss me goodbye he didnt even want to talk to me that morning.
Well i didnt call him while i was away cause he told me he wasnt going to be staying at his usual place. so i didnt call then i waited i think almost too long to call. there was atleast one phone call then that hurt however he apologized later.
as for the events that happened when i return, one of us almost left and it wasnt me. he didnt even want to speak to me and i was not sure what was going on. I begged and pleaded with him not to go and that if he was gonna be angry we were gonna fight cause i couldnt take the anger anymore. i let him get his stuff and he in turn told me what he felt. well shithead if ya had said something sooner we could have saved the fight and gone right for the make up sex.
his mood swing and personality shift came and went as swiftly as it hit us. we did come to a realization that it was never us that was the problem but his medication he was on. his doctor had upped his doseage on him that month. well she upped something that wasnt supposed to be upped by her but by his cardiologist. the dumb bitch, he changed his doctor after that. he even told his cardiologist what had happened and that medication was stopped since the dose couldnt be lowered.
as for one thing that changed our lives that October, it was exactly Oct 15, 2004 at 845pm, the day that i had a craving for beer and pizza. I was missing something for 2 days by then and i thought it was related to the stress of September. Well it wasnt. And let me tell you when i saw the word Pregnant on that digital pregnancy test i thought i had a dud test. there was no way possible i could have been pregnant when we were barely speaking we werent doing anything else. my reaction to it was about the same i think i said Holy shit i'm fucking pregnant. we were both quite suprised by it. I think it brought us closer together than before as we finally acheived what we had tried so long and hard for.
And now she's 2 months old today and asleep next to me on the couch pacifier in her mouth and got her arm against my leg looking so peaceful and beautiful.
we're so in love with her.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Random thoughts

it took me all day and if i had been smarter i would have just rechecked my template. i was looking for some logical answer to my dumbness at that moment.
anyway i've had a long time friend staying with my hubby and me this weekend and it took me til yesterday to realize i have no idea what some of my friends are like anymore as we've all gone our seperate ways and grown and in at least one case stayed immature. one friend is still at home, the other is in a dead end relationship of a few years with a child and i'm married with one kid. yet for 20 years we've been friends and probably will always be friends we just don't have much in common anymore.
i have online friends i feel i have more in common with these days. i have very little actual contact with people i physically know since i can only trust a few people now. i'm very cautious when it comes to people in real life. i removed myself from one group of friends due to a very stupid girl who wanted my husband, and a former boyfriend who got possesive of me long after the breakup. his alcohol problems helped seal the end of that friendship. i dont know what it is about me but people that i know in reality either try to fuck me over or just forget i exist and only call me or try to see me when they want something.
i know i'm running off at the brain but i've had alot in my head lately since my daughter was born that i cant put to paper or talk to very many people about.
things are so different now that i have my baby that even my own family has little to do with me unless they want something.
at least this way i save minutes on my cell phone since the only one who uses it is my hubby when he calls his family and that.
i shall end this post here and will post again after my friend has returned home. we're driving her back that should take most of tomorrow.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Not sure what i did here

i'm trying to fix my blog before i kick my computer
I never expected to ever be married and have a child all before i turn 25. In June i delivered my baby girl Sarah by c-sec after 36 hours of labor my doctors said it was failure to progress......yea i call it a lack of cervadil. I dont know which of my husband and me was more scared, i thought i was but he could have been since he mentioned after she was born maybe it would just be 1 child for us, we want 3 kids i still do tho i got very freaked out and upset while on the operating table. Those drs shouldnt have pushed a crying hysterical woman into an O.R. at that point. If it wasnt for a very nice man with a bottle of afrin in his pocket i prolly would have freaked out more cause i had trouble breathing. As for being mommy i love it but its exhausting, i enjoy being with the baby all day but after a while i'm desperate for some kind of break. I didnt leave my home for two weeks recently i got very stressed out and depressed. i was begging hubby to give me a few bucks and get my dad to take me someplace. i spent 336 hrs straight with the baby......the day i finally got out of the house i stared at the shelf at Blockbusters cause i didnt know what recently came out. that and i wandered around walmart til the baby got fussy. i have a friend staying at my house til tuesday and hubby happily keeps the baby while i hang out. sadly all i really wanted to do was just hold my baby. i love being mommy i definetly in no hurry for my baby to grow up i still cant figure out where 2 months have gone, let alone that almost a year ago i got pregnant with her. as for my life before her i dont feel i existed truly. i probably sound nuts but i feel i was to be a mom at some point but i never expected it to happen when it did or what it took. i had once said i wanted my first child by my 25th birthday..........that will be Sept 25. she was born in june so i guess thats how it was supposed to be. when we're ready for the next baby i wont plan it. i dont ever plan on trying to get pregnant again it took 2.5 years of my life last time, those years were stuck in hell trying to get knocked up i lost myself then i dont ever want that again.