Monday, August 22, 2005

This time last year

I was going thru infertility hell.....testing and waiting all that fun shit, ok well it wasnt exactly fun. i remember feeling miserable and hating all the stuff my dr wanted to test me for but i still went thru it. I'd had an HSG done, i got put on Clomid in early September of last year, i was to have an IUI done as well and it all got to be too much for me to take. We skipped the IUI and tried to go natural, well it didnt work i still wasnt able to get pregnant.
Fast foward to mid September one more failed cycle and that wasnt even the worst of it. I think i was trapped in hell. I was sure i was losing my mind again. I was starting to shut down back then from the two and a half years of constant stress and failure. Conveiniently i had a wedding to attend so i could get away.
Things were not going as they should have that month, my husband took on a personality change and some massive mood swings. We were barely talking and i dont remember how things started. We'd celebrated our third wedding anniversary in early Sept and things were getting ugly right around my birthday which was the end of the month as well as his birthday too. We were both planning on going to my cousins wedding and all of a sudden we just had to get away from each other. I didnt even see the signs til the morning we departed for our seperate trips, i had almost forgotten his birthday cause i was rushing to get my stuff ready to go. He didnt even kiss me goodbye he didnt even want to talk to me that morning.
Well i didnt call him while i was away cause he told me he wasnt going to be staying at his usual place. so i didnt call then i waited i think almost too long to call. there was atleast one phone call then that hurt however he apologized later.
as for the events that happened when i return, one of us almost left and it wasnt me. he didnt even want to speak to me and i was not sure what was going on. I begged and pleaded with him not to go and that if he was gonna be angry we were gonna fight cause i couldnt take the anger anymore. i let him get his stuff and he in turn told me what he felt. well shithead if ya had said something sooner we could have saved the fight and gone right for the make up sex.
his mood swing and personality shift came and went as swiftly as it hit us. we did come to a realization that it was never us that was the problem but his medication he was on. his doctor had upped his doseage on him that month. well she upped something that wasnt supposed to be upped by her but by his cardiologist. the dumb bitch, he changed his doctor after that. he even told his cardiologist what had happened and that medication was stopped since the dose couldnt be lowered.
as for one thing that changed our lives that October, it was exactly Oct 15, 2004 at 845pm, the day that i had a craving for beer and pizza. I was missing something for 2 days by then and i thought it was related to the stress of September. Well it wasnt. And let me tell you when i saw the word Pregnant on that digital pregnancy test i thought i had a dud test. there was no way possible i could have been pregnant when we were barely speaking we werent doing anything else. my reaction to it was about the same i think i said Holy shit i'm fucking pregnant. we were both quite suprised by it. I think it brought us closer together than before as we finally acheived what we had tried so long and hard for.
And now she's 2 months old today and asleep next to me on the couch pacifier in her mouth and got her arm against my leg looking so peaceful and beautiful.
we're so in love with her.

1 comment:

MomSquared said...

Lissa, I am so happy that Sarah has brought such joy to your life and to your marriage.
She is a beautiful girl.