sigh.....6 months

thats right my baby is 6 months old today. i hit a parental milestone, i've been a damn good mother for 6 months at that.
as for me i'm getting past my selfesteem issues ever so slowly, i got a haircut to help me feel good about my looks(wearing a pony tail for months is not sexy at all) my husband still thinks i'm the sexiest woman there in...he better he's married to me otherwise his ass is in trouble. once i come to terms and start believing it myself again, i'm going to try to buy some new clothes that look better on me.
i'm still losing the pregnancy weight, i'm less than 5 pounds off from it, least i'm pretty sure its 5, i got on a scale that wasnt set to 0 and it looked like it said 175-178, i took the 175 lol.
i'm not feeling so bitchy today, its been a quiet day just me and the baby.
tomorrow is gonna be busy tho, laundry and the post office yay*rolling my eyes*
i had to finally take the necklace off that my mother bought for my daughters birth, now that shes getting older she constantly grabs at it and chokes me. *pretty mommy lemme see it**mommy makes choking sound*
pms is setting in i'm getting teary eyes watching La Bamba at 230am on a thursday morning...shit hubby is gonna be home in about 6 hours...fuck. i do this every time he's got duty i stay up cause i hate sleeping alone even tho the baby sleeps in the bed with me.
to those who dont understand i cosleep, i never intended to but thats how it started after her birth i couldnt move very much and ended up laying on a couch for a month, more like 4 1/2 months cause eventually i just got sick of the couch. now in our new place i havent even napped on the couch.
my word of tonight is fuck......someone get laid for me will ya?

feeling upset

over something so fucking stupid, i'm on messageboard for support and that as being a new mother and apparently you're supposed to respond to every post and comment on every picture. well i fucking cant. i'm either tending to my daughter or telling my hubby i need to get out of the house.
so instead of making a scene i let them know after xmas i will depart the board. since i'm so unsupportive to them(all of us there have 5-7 month old babies how are we supposed to respond to everything there)
it highly upsets me that someone thinks i'm so wrong and rotten, i know they were making comments about me on the sly(oh my hubby will get so pissed if i left my kid on the bed) yea thats right i know that was about me cause i left my kid on the bed cause my floor is trashed and theres no room to set her on the floor til things in my house get straight
anyway i really dont give a fuck cause i know i'm a damn good mother, my daughter loves me and lets me know(hell i walked out of a room and she calls for me)
anyway i would have posted this else where but then there'd be drama and since only one person i know has seen my blog here then i dont care.
anyway i'm gonna go and do something today

the word of the day is bitch.....go tell someone their a bitch and walk away

1yr ago today and other ramblings

well more like this evening at around 845 i took a pregnancy test that said pregnant. i made one call to my parents and never said the words mom i'm pregnant instead i asked how my parents felt about more grandchildren since they already had a granddaughter and a grandson from my brothers. so naturally i was the last one to have a child.
it wasnt an easy month last october things were kind of off in my house. my husband was having mood swings and i was beyond stressed by it. i took a 2 week vacation to visit my brother and some family for a wedding. came home to hell and fell apart. i cried on a girlfriends shoulder and drank a few drinks.(i did not know i was pregnant or suspect it at the time)
anyway when i called my girlfriend at the time to announce it again i never said i was pregnant instead i asked how she felt about being godmother in the summer, she cried and hung the phone up on me. it took her a while to call me back. i shocked her i think. a month later i was taking pictures at her wedding. i was supposed to have been her matron of honor for her wedding when she had a big wedding planned, she had a courthouse quickie like i did a few years ago.
its amazing how things change in a years time. i spent a night crying over a dead bird and thinking my husband had grown to hate me. the hate part wasnt true since we figured out what caused his mood swings and temper. i could have gone to jail once we came to the conclusion on what caused all of that, his doctor that knew nothing about high blood pressure or A-Fib(short name for hubby's medical condition) had raised his medication because his blood pressure wasnt going down......his medication wasnt for his high blood pressure it was for his heart. since then he stopped taking that medication and saw a new dr and has appointments with a cardiologist. his doctors have also told him that if his medication makes him act like that again he is to let them know. i've had him tell his doctors it'd be me telling them cause i'm the one that put up with his anger and wont put up with it again. the doctors were sure about one thing the one that raised that initial medication was wrong as she wasnt a specialist but she'd have been a dead doc if i had gotten my hands on her.
as for crying over a dead bird, we had pet parakeets last year that we bought on Mothers Day. i was depressed and feeling lonely so he bought us 2 birds to keep me company when he was at work. 1 died in october of last year the 2nd one died in april/may we think from a heartattack. i didnt find that one i would have prolly freaked out cause i had found the first bird dying.
since i hadnt suspected i was pregnant and i had a total meltdown finding that bird. i guess those birds were doomed for a while since my cat tried to eat one of them once when she was a kitten.
i still think about last year at times. for a few reasons my uncle was still alive last october, he passed away in February. i met my sister in law and her son then, got to spend time with my parents granted it was in sharing hotel rooms, i went to Nashville, gatlinburg, clarksville, some city in kentucky that was "dry"(damned alcohol free cities) i visited 4 states in that trip which was from Sept 29th to Oct 7th. my mom and i talked about doing more roadtrips while we were on that trip and some how i had said i couldnt do it the next year cause i was going to be preggers.....well i already was at the time. We took another road trip less than 6 months later for a funeral..
as for me being pregnant last year, i made cousin number 3 to have been expecting at the time. my family welcomed 3 baby girls between Nov/Dec and June. that made a total of 7 girls and 2 boys. i know this is just ramblings but this is how big one side of my family is now i had 4 uncles and 2 aunts plus my dad, from there was 5 girls and 3 boys, and from those it became 7 girls and 2 boys. the women outnumber the guys now. my poor grandfather has more women around him now that tell him what to do than anything. i could have sworn when i told him i was expecting a girl he had a look on his face of Oh No not another one. after all one cousin had her daughter in early winter and another cousin was expecting her 4th girl valentines day, i was last since i was due in the summer. now i still have 2 cousins that dont have kids one doesnt want kids and the other is still a kid, bratty and obnoxious but still a kid.
well i'm enjoying the silence of my little girl and my hubby still being asleep.

last year

this time last year my life was falling apart around me. i wasnt sure what was going to happen or what i was going to do.
my cousin has his 1st anniversary a couple of weeks ago, i was at his wedding. that was the last time i saw my uncle alive and having fun. he died in feburary from a clot related to his cancer a couple of years before.
ok i have to finish this later

lack of sleep related thoughts

i've had a sick family for a week and i havent had a decent nights sleep cause of it. i'm the one up with the baby cause she's had a cold and wont sleep unless she's really warm. she's a mini heater and sweats alot so i'm feeling sticky as it is. oh well she's just like her daddy i cuddle up to him when i'm cold except when i'm sick i dont want him near me cause i'm hot as hell. anyway i cant figure how 3 people can have 3 different sicknesses in the same house, baby has a cold, i have sinusitus soon to be a cough gee thanks doc and hubby has some unknown infection.
anyway here it is i'm on my 4th attempt at getting the baby to sleep and i know if i take her off this couch she's gonna wake up so guess where i have to sleep tonight- the couch if i can get her to sleep in her swing.
tomorrow is gonna be hell cause theres stuff that needs to be done and i wont be able to function as usual
we're supposed to be moving next month so i'm hoping my lease actually does end when i think it does. guess hubby needs to double check cause i've always got my hands full with the baby. gotta get her 4 month appt scheduled and some other stuff done

things we need to do this coming month
clean
get boxes
clean
paint
organize
take out the trash
get rid of the stuff we dont use or wear

i just dont get it why the baby wont sleep and stay asleep when she goes to sleep at night 4 times now she's woken up since 10pm its now really really late and the alarm clock goes off at 630 someone has to remind hubby he still has to go to work in the morning after all i got the 24/7 job of being mommy. i love my daughter but i miss being able to function and really want a couple days rest cause i really do spend a large part of my day taking care of her and if i cant function she's not getting what she needs like an awake mommy or a patient mommy
so what am i doing up at this hour still easy i'm trying to breathe cause i have a sinus infection it takes me another hour or two to get to sleep cause of it cause i start coughing if i'm not careful.
ok lil miss sweaty head has gotten my leg all sweaty i need to move her to her swing or something

Getting things off my mind

This has been bothering me for years and since yesterday was 9/11 i have to say this. call me heartless and cold but what the fuck 9/11 was 4 years ago and people cant get over it but when the USS Cole was bombed Oct 12, 2000 no one seems to give a shit.
i didnt lose anyone to 9/11 i was a newly wed to a sailor at the time. we lost a week to him being kept on his ship to "just in case".
however i had a friend on the USS Cole that wasnt killed but he was affected by it. I had several friends on that ship that i had met the year before it had happened. i still remember what i was doing the morning of Oct 12, 2000. i was hungover and had to play sober when my mother called me to give me the news. i had to work that day and couldnt function i had even told my boss if someone called for me i needed to take the call since it was literal life or death.
Its been almost 5 years since then and its rarely talked about yet people are frantic about 9/11. i mean women panic if their due dates are that day like omg its gonna happen again. what the fuck it was 4 years ago make the day something special. get married have kids do it on that day quit making it a depressing day cause some of us have lives that wont stop for one day out of the year.
In 2003 my husband was overseas when the war started and someone once told me it didnt count as him being there because he wasnt on the ground oh bullshit. those men and women are all over there for this it doesnt fucking matter if they are on a boat or on the land they are all there for the same damn thing and thats freedom. fucking get over it for those who think its a bullshit war its for freedom and its as simple as that.
i had to get this off my mind as its been bothering me for so long.
anyway the word of the day is bullshit go use it in something

Happy Anniversary to Me

well today is my 4th anniversary and i'm home with the baby. she's sitting in her swing falling asleep.
as for me i'm trying to get my kitchen clean cause it looks like total chaos and stinks. my trash can is overflowing and i'm just annoyed. i plan to set some house rules because we're supposed to move if we can move in a couple of months.
my kitchen is a mess underneath the dirty dishes and that, its going to take me hours to clean it yet in 2 hours i'm supposed to be hosting a chat.
chat hosting......i did this before for a year when i was trying to get pregnant now i do it for another board. hubby encourages me to do it since it makes me happy and occupies my time (time hmmm foreign concept to me since i spend 24/7 with a baby)
i finally went and did something for myself this past week, i got my hair cut and colored by a professional. i had my best girlfriend come along and offer her opinion. i trust her completely she tells it like it is and if you dont like it she'll tell ya to fuck off. we've been friends since we were 12 if thats anything. we're much closer as adults than we were in school. i was at her wedding in Nov and she is my daughters godmother. i even took her to the bar where she met her husband 3 years ago.
well anyway i have to get back to the dishes and that. *sigh* i might even have a drink later when punkin is asleep again. if she goes back to sleep

This time last year

I was going thru infertility hell.....testing and waiting all that fun shit, ok well it wasnt exactly fun. i remember feeling miserable and hating all the stuff my dr wanted to test me for but i still went thru it. I'd had an HSG done, i got put on Clomid in early September of last year, i was to have an IUI done as well and it all got to be too much for me to take. We skipped the IUI and tried to go natural, well it didnt work i still wasnt able to get pregnant.
Fast foward to mid September one more failed cycle and that wasnt even the worst of it. I think i was trapped in hell. I was sure i was losing my mind again. I was starting to shut down back then from the two and a half years of constant stress and failure. Conveiniently i had a wedding to attend so i could get away.
Things were not going as they should have that month, my husband took on a personality change and some massive mood swings. We were barely talking and i dont remember how things started. We'd celebrated our third wedding anniversary in early Sept and things were getting ugly right around my birthday which was the end of the month as well as his birthday too. We were both planning on going to my cousins wedding and all of a sudden we just had to get away from each other. I didnt even see the signs til the morning we departed for our seperate trips, i had almost forgotten his birthday cause i was rushing to get my stuff ready to go. He didnt even kiss me goodbye he didnt even want to talk to me that morning.
Well i didnt call him while i was away cause he told me he wasnt going to be staying at his usual place. so i didnt call then i waited i think almost too long to call. there was atleast one phone call then that hurt however he apologized later.
as for the events that happened when i return, one of us almost left and it wasnt me. he didnt even want to speak to me and i was not sure what was going on. I begged and pleaded with him not to go and that if he was gonna be angry we were gonna fight cause i couldnt take the anger anymore. i let him get his stuff and he in turn told me what he felt. well shithead if ya had said something sooner we could have saved the fight and gone right for the make up sex.
his mood swing and personality shift came and went as swiftly as it hit us. we did come to a realization that it was never us that was the problem but his medication he was on. his doctor had upped his doseage on him that month. well she upped something that wasnt supposed to be upped by her but by his cardiologist. the dumb bitch, he changed his doctor after that. he even told his cardiologist what had happened and that medication was stopped since the dose couldnt be lowered.
as for one thing that changed our lives that October, it was exactly Oct 15, 2004 at 845pm, the day that i had a craving for beer and pizza. I was missing something for 2 days by then and i thought it was related to the stress of September. Well it wasnt. And let me tell you when i saw the word Pregnant on that digital pregnancy test i thought i had a dud test. there was no way possible i could have been pregnant when we were barely speaking we werent doing anything else. my reaction to it was about the same i think i said Holy shit i'm fucking pregnant. we were both quite suprised by it. I think it brought us closer together than before as we finally acheived what we had tried so long and hard for.
And now she's 2 months old today and asleep next to me on the couch pacifier in her mouth and got her arm against my leg looking so peaceful and beautiful.
we're so in love with her.

Random thoughts

it took me all day and if i had been smarter i would have just rechecked my template. i was looking for some logical answer to my dumbness at that moment.
anyway i've had a long time friend staying with my hubby and me this weekend and it took me til yesterday to realize i have no idea what some of my friends are like anymore as we've all gone our seperate ways and grown and in at least one case stayed immature. one friend is still at home, the other is in a dead end relationship of a few years with a child and i'm married with one kid. yet for 20 years we've been friends and probably will always be friends we just don't have much in common anymore.
i have online friends i feel i have more in common with these days. i have very little actual contact with people i physically know since i can only trust a few people now. i'm very cautious when it comes to people in real life. i removed myself from one group of friends due to a very stupid girl who wanted my husband, and a former boyfriend who got possesive of me long after the breakup. his alcohol problems helped seal the end of that friendship. i dont know what it is about me but people that i know in reality either try to fuck me over or just forget i exist and only call me or try to see me when they want something.
i know i'm running off at the brain but i've had alot in my head lately since my daughter was born that i cant put to paper or talk to very many people about.
things are so different now that i have my baby that even my own family has little to do with me unless they want something.
at least this way i save minutes on my cell phone since the only one who uses it is my hubby when he calls his family and that.
i shall end this post here and will post again after my friend has returned home. we're driving her back that should take most of tomorrow.

Not sure what i did here

i'm trying to fix my blog before i kick my computer

I never expected to ever be married and have a child all before i turn 25. In June i delivered my baby girl Sarah by c-sec after 36 hours of labor my doctors said it was failure to progress......yea i call it a lack of cervadil. I dont know which of my husband and me was more scared, i thought i was but he could have been since he mentioned after she was born maybe it would just be 1 child for us, we want 3 kids i still do tho i got very freaked out and upset while on the operating table. Those drs shouldnt have pushed a crying hysterical woman into an O.R. at that point. If it wasnt for a very nice man with a bottle of afrin in his pocket i prolly would have freaked out more cause i had trouble breathing. As for being mommy i love it but its exhausting, i enjoy being with the baby all day but after a while i'm desperate for some kind of break. I didnt leave my home for two weeks recently i got very stressed out and depressed. i was begging hubby to give me a few bucks and get my dad to take me someplace. i spent 336 hrs straight with the baby......the day i finally got out of the house i stared at the shelf at Blockbusters cause i didnt know what recently came out. that and i wandered around walmart til the baby got fussy. i have a friend staying at my house til tuesday and hubby happily keeps the baby while i hang out. sadly all i really wanted to do was just hold my baby. i love being mommy i definetly in no hurry for my baby to grow up i still cant figure out where 2 months have gone, let alone that almost a year ago i got pregnant with her. as for my life before her i dont feel i existed truly. i probably sound nuts but i feel i was to be a mom at some point but i never expected it to happen when it did or what it took. i had once said i wanted my first child by my 25th birthday..........that will be Sept 25. she was born in june so i guess thats how it was supposed to be. when we're ready for the next baby i wont plan it. i dont ever plan on trying to get pregnant again it took 2.5 years of my life last time, those years were stuck in hell trying to get knocked up i lost myself then i dont ever want that again.